A Week of Friends

This week, I had so many dinner dates and get togethers with friends. Friends from high school, college, and beyond. Now that I'm home from the last of these visits, I feel incredibly thankful for the time I had with them all. I do not think that any of us are really in the same place, and that is hard for me to grapple with sometimes, but I appreciate that we are willing to drag our butts out into the dark and cold that is winter to meet up and eat food.

I have always had trouble balancing social time with alone time, which makes that last part about the effort it takes to meet up with even the Best of Friends stand out more to me. The good things in life take effort and it is not always going to be something I particularly want to do at that exact moment in time. And just because I enjoy a certain amount of solitude does not mean I do not want friendship; living in Korea taught me that one for the last time. Also, That Effort is an important thing. Friendship by way of courtesy is not helping either party and is super exhausting.

So, I feel happy about this week. XOXO to all the friends out there.

Coming & Staying Home

After a little over one year in South Korea, I returned home to the United States of America in the last days of this past September. I think back to that very last day in Korea, my flight day, and remember that I couldn't sleep I was so excited-ansty to catch the early morning bus to the airport. I hauled my luggage down to the taxi stand, and my very last taxi ride in Icheon was with a fine taxi driver, noticeably irritated at the amount of luggage.

I had chosen to wear one of the bows I had bought from Artbox that day -- my friend the special education teacher at school always wore these big, beautiful hair bows. And I daresay the bow made me extra sweet and extra likable. At the airport check-in, not an eyelash was bat at my overweight, extra-extra large checked bag. Sitting at the gate, five traveling friends with matching carry-on luggage approached me and put some of the fruit they were munching on into my hands. Leaving the restroom, I was chased down by a cleaning lady: she handed me a sturdy Lotte shopping bag for the quilt I was carrying. I would miss this genuine interest and nature. I would miss Korea.

Nov. Soundtrack

Quick before the month ends, here is my November soundtrack. I've always been very much in my own head and the year in Korea especially. The lyrics and and phrases struck me this month.

Courtesy of Pinterest scourings

Goodbye, Korea

I feel so grateful for the time I had here in South Korea. The difficulty to try and find words other than ones that gush and get nostalgic already -- it's impossible not to. 

Your Own Beauty

As my dental bills loom over what might have been in my bank account, I think about how my definition of beauty and style has evolved. I have become more willing to recognize that I do care about how I look because I am proud of the attributes I have. I like dressing to impress myself. 

With that, I am more willing to invest into that look nowadays. My dental work, while much was medical (root canals and cavities), a large portion of that work was bridging over gaps left by four baby teeth with no permanent teeth to back them up. I was getting by - eating steak, popcorn, and everything else. But at the end of my treatment, the dentist said to me, "Now your eating is much more comfortable and easy." I must also say, my bottom row of teeth has never looked prettier. 

Almost Autumn Soundtrack

Been talking a lot about all the changes coming up (I'll be leaving Korea in less than a month), and I suddenly realized talking to my Korean mom the second grade teacher this morning that the season will also be changing. Where did the summer go?

With all that and my family leaving Korea after a two-week visit in South Korea, I've been in a dramatic mood. Hopelessly excited, then hopelessly sad, hungry for foods I will be leaving, hungry for foods back home, tired, upset... The music I've been listening to is helping me get through this itchy period.

Liebster Award

I have been nominated by Rebecca from Rebe With a Clause for the blogger-given Liebster Award! I had never heard of the Liebster Award before but am thrilled and very honored to be part of this movement to recognize bloggers and their blogs. Already knee deep in two of the blogs Rebe nominated, it is an excellent way to quote "discover new bloggers."

Nominee Acceptance Guidelines:
1. Acknowledge the blog that nominated you and display the award
2. Answer the 11 questions your nominator gives you
3. Provide 11 random facts about yourself
4. Nominate 5 blogs with less than 1,000 followers that you feel deserve the award
5. Notify the bloggers that you have nominated them and give them 11 questions to answer

School Feelings

Teaching is my teaching weakness. It's an inside joke with myself as I talk with other teachers and listen to their stories. But as I sit here and wrap up and bow tie twenty-nine mini Twix bars for my after school kids tomorrow, I'm thinking what a cool teacher I am. It is my secret plan to have the kids associate chocolate with English time, and I know that they'll be thrilled to get the little notes with my signature scrawled next to a heart.

It's been a tough two weeks for me at school. Mostly I've lately been struggling with my role in the teaching classroom, especially at my second school. Co-teaching is something that takes work; it's a partnership and I'm not sure everyone is meant to work well together. Throwback, but I must say how thankful I am for my time in the Dino Room. It was a subtle dynamic that made things work there, for me at least. Thank you Maggie, Steve, Preston, and Karli. 

Here are some shots of the "English Notebooks" I made a while back for my after school classes, along with the bow-tied treats. Paper and bookmaking heals all: 

First week at two schools, Doji thoughts

[On February 18th, I was told by my employer, Doam Elementary, that I would start working at a second school, Doji Elementary, two days a week. Three days a week, I continue to teach at Doam.]

Happy White Day! Students at my new school kept coming into the English classroom with candy, and I finally made a comment about it to my Doji co-teacher Seong Ho. He told me that it was White Day, similar to Pepero Day. A second "Valentine's Day" where boys and girls give sweet candy instead of chocolates is how he described it. I liked that they were comfortable enough to approach me since I met three of my classes for the first time today - and I'm the first native or foreigner English teacher at Doji in either two or five years. I've been told both so...

The first week (or two days) at my new school went well. It was reminiscent of my first week at Doam back in September, minus jet-lag and culture shock. I had classes, met the principal (who is referred to as the royal director), and was introduced to the various teachers as we ran into each other in the hallways. It was nice not to be completely lost - a sign of growth for sure. I am an expert at what it's like to be a native English teacher in my section of Korea.

Pop sad, then happy

[On February 18th, I was told by my employer, Doam Elementary, that I would start working at a second school, Doji Elementary, two days a week. Three days a week, I continue to teach at Doam.]

I'm revisiting some of the hard feelings the night before I start at my new elementary school. It's not necessarily the extra work, though that is a sore point (eight different textbooks and all these 4-1, 4-2, 3-1, 6-2, 3-2, 5-1, 2-1, 6-1, 5-2 classes to keep bloody straight), but it absolutely is the fact that all the time spent coordinating and tweaking lessons is the result of someone who thought this was a good idea. It's not fair to the students and it's not fair to my co-teachers. I truly don't mind being busy. I've been super efficient with my time and I'm getting it done. I just need to shake the annoyance and I'll be set to go. 

So, to finish off finely wording my complaints about teaching in Korea, let me just say how thankful I am to have two hard-working co-teachers and how much fun I have talking and interacting with my students. Kids are amazing. Also, I'd send a warning letter to the next Doam native English teacher in a heart beat. 

Moving on, I thought it would be fitting to address what makes me pop sad and pop happy. Inspired by NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour segment titled "Pop Culture That Makes Us Cry & Somali Pirates" and a tweet from one of my favorite twitter accounts posing the question and judgement of the question, "how often are you supposed to cry?" here are my lists: 

Yaju Tea & me

Today was a good day: bibimbap for lunch and adorable, clever students. A few huttled around me while I ate, teaching me how to count and say "clock," "chair," and "spoon" in Korean. I'm getting the Korean numbering system down I may brag. They're good teachers :D

The past few weeks have gone quickly with vacation and winter camp keeping me busy. I've been stressed out more than I like -- about what, I don't even really know. Winter Camp, yes; I've spent hours planning and stressing. Lesson planning is a huge pain that I don't like doing. Even when I'm excited about a game or activity, I worry about how it will go, if the kids will like it, etc., and it just takes me forever to hash things out. One of my friends works at a different school with a different system and she asked me, "What is lesson planning like?" And I'm like I can't even... no.

"What is lesson planning like?"

I've had to tell myself to keep calm, to put it nicely. Other stresses are just those that come with life in general. Past the honeymoon phase of Korea, I'm about four months in and it's a lot of work. But I like living in Korea and I like seeing "all the things." I have a four-day lunar holiday coming up, which will be nice. You gotta love all the built-in holidays Korea has. I'm thinking of heading south to the coastal city of Busan. Seeing the open water would be incredible. My inner-wanna-be-surfer is catching a big wave at the thought.

Perspective. That's what it's all about. NPR has been a life thread and when I think about all the work John Kerry has been doing - geesh. One winter camp and planning vacation is pathetic. It's my life, and my problems and stresses are real, but yeah, there's a busy man. He would've made a heck of a president.

Perspective. I like my students, and the teachers here at Doam Elementary are so kind and generous. After lunch today, the head teacher gave me a jar of homemade yaju tea. He was cute about giving it me - he doesn't speak much English and is pretty professional most of the time - so the whole charades form of communication was really endearing. And this tea is amazing. Basically a citrus concentration, one spoonful stirred into a cup of boiling hot water is the definition of comfortable happiness. 

Lazy Sunday & New Downloads

Well, it's Sunday: slept in until 8:30am, read in bed until 11, cleaned the bathroom, grilled up a garlic-jam-grilled cheese sammy, simmered a mixture on the stove to drown the fruit flies (milk sugar, pepper, & dish soap), ironed candle wax out of a pair of jeans, did some laundry, hung said laundry, took a nap, and "looked" over lesson plans for the upcoming week. Yet alas, I never get as much done as I want. I always have such high hopes for the weekend -- but meh, the weekend is supposed to be chill, right?

Downloaded a couple of new songs -- big fan of Bastille and Justin Timberlake right now. Read this article on Buzzfeed about wear-to-work sweatshirts and I come home from Itaewon with four new "sweatshirts" I can wear to work. Pretty cute stuff and each only cost me 5,000 won (less than 5 dollars). I love Korean-made clothes. Cheap and made for my Asian frame. 

"Project Free TV" came up this weekend when talking to friends about the new "Scandal" season (Kerry Washington and Fitz love). My sister is a huge fan and I know that a lot of people use it but I hate what it stands for. And that name makes me cringe. The entitlement and lack of respect. I dunno, there's a lot of work that goes into every second of every TV show, movie, music video... into visual media. The number of people, too, behind every project is huge. I think it's mostly the name that bothers me. TV scheduling and revenue isn't part of my expertise; it's just a general feeling I have. That's why when I'm ready, I don't mind paying for a couple new songs on iTunes or paying for a movie ticket to watch a movie the way filmmakers imagined it.

Nothing Like Sitting In My Nest

Nothing like sitting in my nest, fan blowing to tune out the neighbors, and leftover Panera Bread from teacher appreciation. I feel it more and more these days: content. It's of the restless sort but really, is there a better kind? A peacefulness with possibilities and thoughts for the future.

A recurring topic: my status as a single lady. Start the sad puppy-dog faces, am I right? But in all seriousness and in all honesty, I am glad to be single. It's working really well for me. Whenever I'm feeling the inclination towards finding "the one," I have to remind myself that having a "special someone" in my life isn't going to fix all the things I struggle with now. It's not going to get me any closer to my personal goals and hopes for the future. In fact, "he" might really screw up what I know I want. This leg room, with dedication and networking, will tell the time.

I have a great love for couples that are truly are two of one, great partners in life. However, at this point, I'm more impressed with the individuals that don't care and are making it work on their own. That independence I greatly respect. When I find out someone has a "better half" (which comes up quickly, abruptly, glowingly, or the better half comes back from the bathroom), I feel exhausted. Exhausted from imagining that bond, intimacy, and closeness. "Maybe it's just not for me," I think from time to time.

It's hard to imagine change. When I think about my future, I imagine it at it's completion. It's never a vision of the process, because change is mostly subtle. Normally, there isn't a revolutionary or a civil or a world war to mark it. One day, you realize things are different. I'm not going to outright search for love, that companionship -- at least not for a while. I'm far too self involved for that. So, simmer away, single life.

Every time I have a tough morning or a tough moment in a day, something happens that makes me feel good about things. Sometimes it's as simple as deciding to go to bed early but lately it has been those Dinos. They are absolutely delightful -- little sponges, full of energy and veracity. Giving my attention to them, the time and the respect -- I feel lucky. Lucky that I can laugh with them and be part of their lives. A glimpse into something I may have someday or what I won't.

What's next?

I've got my walking and busing route to work figured out, and as I now begin to settle into the weekly routine I so craved for when I was unemployed, I'm beginning to think about what's next. I cleaned the entire bathroom and kitchen last night just thinking.

The goals I set for myself for when I moved back to Madison were all logistics. I needed to find a place to live, needed a job, too. Now, I figure it's time to start pushing myself creatively and get my new priorities sorted out, because life is tasty. I want a taste of everything I've always wanted to eat. 

It's hard to know. To know what to do, how to get there. I stress out about it a lot. I listen to other people's journeys and worry my own is that much off track. And I'm not sure why being in my mid twenties feels so close to death or worse, failure, but it does. Why is it so impressive that a nineteen year old develops a wildly popular app and makes millions? He's so young -- AMAZING. Silly, really. It'd be amazing for a person of any age. 

The job that will make me happy, feel fulfilled, and where I can make a difference. My expectations in that kind of glory may be too hurried. It's going to take work and time, and that's totally cool with me. I just need this week to rest up for the hike. 

I like hikes. 

By the hour

"Too high of expectations for happiness? I want to not have to live pay check to pay check. I don't want to have to know that if I lose my hourly job, I can't pay rent and I can't make a loan payments. That doesn't seem like too much to ask."

I had a fun night out with some old work friends, friends I've bonded with over the years as we worked side-by-side at hourly paid jobs. They are smart, funny, beautiful, and have outstanding work ethic. I like and respect them a lot. Our lives have panned out in similar fashions as we all want more than money of our jobs and are working full-time by the hour to pursue that.

I guess working at an hourly wage in college was less worrisome because I, in a sense, had the world in my hands. The possibilities and promise were endless. I was a student. That was my title and my job. Now that I'm graduated and am not where I want to be, hourly work is welcome but budgeted to the penny. I now not only worry about rent and groceries but also loan payments and my future.

Last night was the first night I saw my situation as a precarious one. It's true. I don't have a contract and I could potentially lose most of my hours once summer hits. I always deal with and accept it but should I really have to? It's a tough situation for me to even have thoughts about because firstly, I really like my teaching job. Secondly, I'm not living my dream from college in part to a decision that the timing wasn't right.

My small taste of the production life, working on a reality TV show, was life-changing. The people alone were amazing, incredibly talented, and passionate about film and life. In working, I was sincerely happy and had never been more myself -- in my element. But I also realized what it took for all my newfound friends and heroes to get where they were, and I wasn't sure I wanted that quite yet. The hard work and dedication aren't what scared me; it was thinking I would be running and running to get onto this moving train that was going someplace I didn't want to go. Perhaps I wouldn't mind that destination in the end, but there's beauty in the choice.

That was tough for me. I still want to work in film but I feel I need to get a better grip on my life and who I am before I devote the time and make those sacrifices. I don't want to go along for the ride. So, I decided to trust my gut. I know when the time comes, I'll just do it. I'll move to California and sleep on couches or floors if I have to. But I'm not going to do that until I feel it's right.

It's my career path and I firmly believe all will work out, especially if I trust my instincts. So I suppose choosing this life that I have right now - with a little bit of luck - has kept me from feeling too cheated. I know I'm not always going to be satisfied with where I am and that I need to be careful about getting comfortable (because I still have big plans). And that's not even the point I'm trying to spit out -- it was just nice to be understood. Not having that financial security blows and it is unstable because it is what it is. I get it. My friends get it. We ate some $2 tacos and 99 cent margaritas. Facts and numbers, by the hour.