Expiration date

The quote, "Don't chase people. The people who belong in your life will come and stay." From the more somber posts, it's that time of the month, but as I think and think about relationships and friendships, there are many that simply have an expiration date. It's not always because it was bad or even that it grew sour; its expiration date just came and it was no more what it was. And trying to hold onto it, to taste the freshness, or to wish its passing away does nothing. Trust the compulsion to spit it out. Stop chasing, stop trying to recreate time and be free.

Many me's

A vast amount of people would agree with the thought of oneself being bloody brilliant. I marvel at my wit and humor. I am a catch; I have thoughts that are so superior, insightful, and macro-based that I can't help but wonder how much better the world would be with more -- of me. However rude such thoughts are, maybe that's just what I need to keep going. I've been at several crossroads at this point in my life, pondering over what was best, what I really wanted, worried about making choices that would end in a wasted life. Perhaps the thought of "many me's" running the world can put my fears at rest. With several versions of myself out there, I can focus and finally just decide. That's all I want: a decision free from my own persecutions and judgments.

A world with many me's is always a fleeting thought, one that is crushed by the blubbering idiot I am out loud. Points to my introverted personality and "go with the flow" philosophy, for I've never needed or wanted to say that much because it is what it is. The power of verbal communication has always been disappointing to me; I've found that people mostly say things to preserve an image they hope to have, not one they do have. People change and change the world because they want to, not because I've had a chat with them. 

Too negative, yes. What about the great orators of modern times? Having taken a class entitled "Great Speakers and Speeches," I can't get past the calculation and necessity. I see it more as part of a job, a function. I enjoy great speakers and great speeches immensely, but there are so many things one can say that they will do. What one truly accomplishes isn't decided by the utterance or promise of those words. 

My belief in higher education was planted by my parents growing up, and the lectures that got my blood boiling with passion and excitement were the ones that reinforced that belief. I like that kind of conversation and discussion. From afar, it is comfortable and my mind races without worrying about going too fast or choosing the right words. It's less personal and I can speak freely. It's easier. For me at least.

Nothing Like Sitting In My Nest

Nothing like sitting in my nest, fan blowing to tune out the neighbors, and leftover Panera Bread from teacher appreciation. I feel it more and more these days: content. It's of the restless sort but really, is there a better kind? A peacefulness with possibilities and thoughts for the future.

A recurring topic: my status as a single lady. Start the sad puppy-dog faces, am I right? But in all seriousness and in all honesty, I am glad to be single. It's working really well for me. Whenever I'm feeling the inclination towards finding "the one," I have to remind myself that having a "special someone" in my life isn't going to fix all the things I struggle with now. It's not going to get me any closer to my personal goals and hopes for the future. In fact, "he" might really screw up what I know I want. This leg room, with dedication and networking, will tell the time.

I have a great love for couples that are truly are two of one, great partners in life. However, at this point, I'm more impressed with the individuals that don't care and are making it work on their own. That independence I greatly respect. When I find out someone has a "better half" (which comes up quickly, abruptly, glowingly, or the better half comes back from the bathroom), I feel exhausted. Exhausted from imagining that bond, intimacy, and closeness. "Maybe it's just not for me," I think from time to time.

It's hard to imagine change. When I think about my future, I imagine it at it's completion. It's never a vision of the process, because change is mostly subtle. Normally, there isn't a revolutionary or a civil or a world war to mark it. One day, you realize things are different. I'm not going to outright search for love, that companionship -- at least not for a while. I'm far too self involved for that. So, simmer away, single life.

Every time I have a tough morning or a tough moment in a day, something happens that makes me feel good about things. Sometimes it's as simple as deciding to go to bed early but lately it has been those Dinos. They are absolutely delightful -- little sponges, full of energy and veracity. Giving my attention to them, the time and the respect -- I feel lucky. Lucky that I can laugh with them and be part of their lives. A glimpse into something I may have someday or what I won't.