Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Nothing Like Sitting In My Nest

Nothing like sitting in my nest, fan blowing to tune out the neighbors, and leftover Panera Bread from teacher appreciation. I feel it more and more these days: content. It's of the restless sort but really, is there a better kind? A peacefulness with possibilities and thoughts for the future.

A recurring topic: my status as a single lady. Start the sad puppy-dog faces, am I right? But in all seriousness and in all honesty, I am glad to be single. It's working really well for me. Whenever I'm feeling the inclination towards finding "the one," I have to remind myself that having a "special someone" in my life isn't going to fix all the things I struggle with now. It's not going to get me any closer to my personal goals and hopes for the future. In fact, "he" might really screw up what I know I want. This leg room, with dedication and networking, will tell the time.

I have a great love for couples that are truly are two of one, great partners in life. However, at this point, I'm more impressed with the individuals that don't care and are making it work on their own. That independence I greatly respect. When I find out someone has a "better half" (which comes up quickly, abruptly, glowingly, or the better half comes back from the bathroom), I feel exhausted. Exhausted from imagining that bond, intimacy, and closeness. "Maybe it's just not for me," I think from time to time.

It's hard to imagine change. When I think about my future, I imagine it at it's completion. It's never a vision of the process, because change is mostly subtle. Normally, there isn't a revolutionary or a civil or a world war to mark it. One day, you realize things are different. I'm not going to outright search for love, that companionship -- at least not for a while. I'm far too self involved for that. So, simmer away, single life.

Every time I have a tough morning or a tough moment in a day, something happens that makes me feel good about things. Sometimes it's as simple as deciding to go to bed early but lately it has been those Dinos. They are absolutely delightful -- little sponges, full of energy and veracity. Giving my attention to them, the time and the respect -- I feel lucky. Lucky that I can laugh with them and be part of their lives. A glimpse into something I may have someday or what I won't.

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